Straight From The 'Fridge--Er, The Incubator

Noah in time out--
because spoiling is what we do here.

"That's not autism.  That's her being allowed to get away with whatever she wants."--the teacher of an autistic middle school girl
"My kid wouldn't talk to me like that."--a parent who clearly knows all the answers
"Give him to me for a couple of weeks--I'll make him act right!"--my brother
"But it is because of bad parenting!!! Gah, these losers make me sick with their excuses. Spank the kid a couple of times and voila! autism all gone."--poster in a parenting forum
"He is, forgive me--spoiled--and he has learned to manipulate.  But don't feel bad.  I might have done the same thing."--an inclusion teacher--to me


Back in the 1950's, there was this theory about autism.  It was called the "Refrigerator Mother" theory, and basically, the idea was that kids were autistic because their mothers denied them affection during a key moment in development.  Fortunately, it's now widely accepted that this is false.  Kids aren't autistic because their mothers are cold.  Instead, we now have the "Incubator Mother" theory.  It is now commonly believed.  The idea that autism, especially mild autism, is really over-indulgent parenting or a lack of discipline.  We have coddled our children to the point that we have stifled their development.  And people have no problem informing us of this fact.


Allow me to be perfectly blunt.  There is nothing you can say to me, or almost any parent of a child on the spectrum, that we haven't already thought about ourselves.  Trust me.  Your wisdom is not required.  You don't get to the point that you bring your six year old to a psychiatrist without having spent many many many hours wondering how you could be such a shitty parent that you've fucked them up this badly in only a few short years.  You don't try four different ADHD meds, an anti-psychotic, an anti-depressant, and numerous dietary changes, without first trying every single traditional discipline method in the book.  We certainly don't enjoy the shame and derision we feel when people try to "help" by telling us everything we've ever done wrong as a parent.  I promise--we've already got a catalogued list ourselves, beginning at conception.  In fact, I have more than one autistic child, so I must be a really crappy mother.  Maybe someone should have sterilized me after the first go-round, so that my poor parenting couldn't be inflicted on any other innocent kids?  Never mind that my non-autistic child is very well-behaved indeed.  She's the fluke.

The point is that it takes more than the average to discipline our kids.  Let me give you an example of what I mean.

Picture it.....last Thursday....at school.  The fourth graders, Eli included, were taking a practice LEAP test.  Eli did a great job that morning.  His teacher commented that he tested better than he ever has.  Eli takes his tests in a small group, with other kids who receive accommodations.  The kids went on a short break and returned to class.  Eli was finished with his test, so he pulled out some change that he had in his pocket and started playing with it.  The teacher told him to put the change up.  Eli refused.  Repeat--a few times.  Finally, Eli asked to go to the Santa store.  He was told no because there was no one to take him down there.  He proceeded to pitch a fit.  Yelling at his inclusion teacher, which resulted in him being sent to the office (he was disturbing the other kids who were testing).  Upon entering the office, still angry, he yelled at the assistant principal.  The assistant principal had to leave to go to a conference, so Eli was sent to the front office to wait, and he was still angry.  Eli's "fit" got worse, and he ended up bashing his head into the wall several times.  The front office, unsure of what to do, called the assistant principal, who had his inclusion teacher come get him.  He spent the rest of the day in his inclusion class as punishment.

Eli was non-compliant.  Eli was belligerent.  Eli used a tantrum to manipulate his way to the Santa Store.  That's one way to look at it.  Eli failed.  Here's another.


Picture it.....last Thursday....at school.  The fourth graders, Eli included, were taking a practice LEAP test.  Eli did a great job that morning.  His teacher commented that he tested better than he ever has.  He had worked hard, and he was tired.  Eli takes his tests in a small group, with other kids who receive accommodations.  Because he has Asperger's and severe ADHD.  The kids went on a short break and returned to class.  Transitions are difficult for kids on the spectrum.  So is turning from a preferred activity to a non-preferred activity.  This is a well-documented fact.  Eli was finished with his test, so he pulled out some change that he had in his pocket and started playing with it.  Kids on the spectrum often have difficulty waiting.  They also have trouble handling emotions--all of them--even boredom.  The teacher told him to put the change up.  Eli refused.  Repeat--a few times.  Was he using the coins to stim?  Was there a pattern that he felt compelled to finish?  Kids on the spectrum, Eli included, exhibit many OCD behaviors.  Or--was he already thinking about how to spend that money?  Was he perseverating on the Santa Store?  It's hard to turn our kids' mind away from something they are stuck on. Perseveration is a documented symptom of Asperger's. Finally, Eli asked to go to the Santa store.  He was told no because there was no one to take him down there.  He proceeded to pitch a fit.  Yelling at his inclusion teacher, which resulted in him being sent to the office (he was disturbing the other kids who were testing).  Would a sensory break--the kind that in his IEP have worked better?  Recess is not necessarily a sensory break.  Upon entering the office, still angry, he yelled at the assistant principal.  Another transition.  And once they get going, it's hard to stop the train wreck.  The assistant principal had to leave to go to a conference, so Eli was sent to the front office to wait, and he was still angry.  Still angry.  And yet ANOTHER transition.  And he probably felt like no one was listening to him.  He speaks well, but he doesn't COMMUNICATE well.  Another symptom of Asperger's.  Eli's "fit" got worse, and he ended up bashing his head into the wall several times.  Sensory meltdown.  The front office, unsure of what to do, called the assistant principal, who had his inclusion teacher come get him.  He spent the rest of the day in his inclusion class as punishment.

In this scenario, it was the adults who failed to respond to his needs.  Now, this is an example of the muddy water we constantly swim in.  Which interpretation of the above events is correct?  BOTH of them.  For every parenting decision we make, we always have  to wade through several layers.  Is it autism or just inappropriate behavior?  Is it appropriate behavior for a kid his age?  Is it appropriate for a  kid his developmental age?  Is it his failure, or ours?  And finally--does it even matter?  You see, in this case, it didn't matter at all.  Eli's response was wrong, no matter the reason, and he had to be corrected on it.  Yet, that also means that we have to punish him for things that he isn't 100% responsible for.  And I'll be honest, it's hard.  You see, Noah is benefiting from something Eli never had--Early Intervention.  Noah is learning that words are the correct way to get your needs met, through patient, consistent instruction.  Eli did not.  Eli was hard-headed, stubborn, bad, hyper....you see?  And yes, I will always feel like a shitty mother for that.  So, if you think I'm a bad parent, I'll be the first one to agree with you--but not for the reasons you think.